crazy jerry (part three)

The other members of the Vortex were scared, or just plain baffled by Jerry. The boys next door had fallen from grace after breaking their living room window for the third time (they were known for holding boisterous beer pong tournaments), and the girls down the hall avoided dealing with him on the basis that he was too creepy.

It got to the point where every time something was broken, or we heard the far off rev of a motorcycle, it would be me who was sent out to delegate.

“You’re the only one who knows how to talk to him!” Barbara said as she prodded me out onto the steps before running to hide in her bedroom.

It was true that the landlord and I had a certain affinity; there was something about his rampant eccentricity that was familiar, even comforting. He was like a cross between my father and Hunter S. Thompson.

So when Bonne and I walked into our apartment at the end of the year to find the power out, we knew just who to call. Well, first we called the electric company, who told us that there hadn’t been a bill paid for #3 Menlo in over a year.

“But we didn’t ever GET a bill!” I moaned to the disgruntled operator, who transferred me to a specialist.

“But we just moved in three DAYS ago!” I told the specialist, hoping no one was recording the call.

She didn’t sound convinced. “Well then bring a copy of your lease over to our office and we’ll get things sorted out.”

Bonne had been outside at our mailbox while I was on the phone. She returned with a handful of envelopes.

“So THAT’s who Tim Reynolds, Jr. is,” she said.

“That deadbeat,” I said. We opened up the envelopes and surveyed the bills. The latest one was bright pink.

“Bonne!” Bonne yelped, looking at the bottom numbers. “Look! There’s no way we could pay even a quarter of that!”

I peeked over her shoulder and shuddered.

“What are we going to DO?!” She said.

I looked around. “I guess we could manage without power for the next week or so… couldn’t we? We’ll just have to sleep over with other people and do everything by day…”

She bit her lip anxiously. “I don’t know, Bonne. I have to go to work. But call Jerry.” She paused in the doorway a moment before leaving, then turned back. “Jerry will know what to do,” she said.

I took a deep breath and crossed my fingers as I dialed the number. I could only hope she was right. I waited just one ring and then,

“They turned off our electricity, Jerry! We never knew we were supposed to pay it, and somebody else was getting the bill, and nobody ever told us and now they’re charging us a million dollars and we’re only even going to be here another week, and….”

“You mean you never got the electricity turned on in your name?” Jerry shouted.

“No,” I whimpered.

“And now they want you to pay for all that you’ve been using for the past five months?”

“Yes,” I moaned.

“Those bastards,” He said. “I’ll be right over. Don’t talk to anyone else until I get there.”

I had barely hung up the phone before I heard the squeal of tires, and the motorcycle came roaring around the corner.

Kicking the stand down to meet the sidewalk, he swung off the seat and headed straight for the back of the building.

“You ever jimmy-rigged a fuse box before?” He called over his shoulder.

“Whaty’d a what? What?” I ran to catch up with him.

“You haven’t. Here,” he handed me a wrench as we treaded over the weeds to stand next to the large tin fuse box.

“Now,” he said, looking at me judiciously with one hand on the box. “Now what you’re asking me to do is illegal, you realize.”

“Ask you… I didn’t…”

“You ever been involved in criminal activity before?”

“Uhh….”

“Good,” he threw open the box. “Me, I already got a criminal record. So if those Public Utility bastards come poking around here and see what’s been set up, I had nothing to do with it, see? You get me?” He waggled a wrench my way.

I took a moment to consider the consequences. I shrugged.

“Sure,” I said. And within ten minutes we were wired up to the girls next door.

Before leaving, Jerry sent me over to make sure I had their legal and binding permission to steal their electricity. The only one home was Katie, and she was rushing around getting ready for a date.

“Yeah, sure, whatever… “ She said, drawing a crimson gloss across her lips and puckering them several times. “Tell me, do you think my hair is big enough?”

“Absolutely,” I said.

Then I ran into our apartment. The lights were ablaze and the upstairs shower roaring.

“Thank you, Jerry!!!” I called out the window, him holding up the peace fingers as he revved off into the distance.